Where has he been the last 2 years?

My doc here is absolutely worthless.  I don’t mean to sound horrid, but he never listens to me, stares at my boobs and refuses to honor my diagnosis.  I do not like him at all and want my old doc back who moved to New York (lucky).  Anyway, stupid doc set me up with a specialist because stupid doc doesn’t want to treat me.

I go to this new doc in a diff town thinking it is going to be more of the same. I get there and this place is ghet-to.  It’s dirty, and I’m thinking holy hell, I should just go home.  They put me in my  room and there is a cockroach on the floor!  By now, I’m shaking.  The nurse was awesome and put me at ease immediately.  Apparently, they had only been in that building for one month so they were still sorting things out.  I can deal with that.

Then my doc came in;  or should I say angel from above bathed in holy light and I’m not even Christian, but hallelujah!  This man knew exactly what I had been going through, exactly how other doctors had been treating me, could pinpoint symptoms I didn’t even know where symptoms, like how I’m always sick as hell when it rains and was so smart and informed.  Where has this angel been the last 2 years?  I needed him when this all started!

He took  about 7 vials of blood to check for any and all pain-related disorders but has not called, so I assume it was all negative.  He set me up for a sleep study because he thinks that has something to do with my morning pain and my headaches and he put me on Topamax for my headaches which works great, but I need my dosage to be upped  when I see him Monday.  I feel so blessed right now to finally have someone who knows what is up.

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New doctor

It’s been almost 2 years since I woke up sick that terrible day and never got better.  It has been almost a year since I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  I had to get a new doctor since mine moved all the way to New York.  😦  I really loved him too.  Anyway, this new one is an idiot.  He doesn’t know shit about shit, can’t look at my face because his eyes are stuck on my breasts, refuses to honor the diagnosis that I have (from 2 different doctors, might I add), refuses to treat my headache that I’ve had for 12 years (no exaggeration), and will not help me get acommodations at my work.  So, because he sucks so badly, he sent me to a specialist for help.

I had to go to a different town 2 hours away to see this new doctor, and I wasn’t feeling positive.  I went a year of being told there was nothing wrong with me, or everything is perfect, or nothing is showing up, until I diagnosed myself with Nothing.  And you can’t treat Nothing.  It is a bitch of a disease.  I was so afraid I’d get there, he’d do tests, tell me I was fine, and send me home with Nothing again.  But Nothing doesn’t cause constant pain or a 12 year headache.  Nothing doesn’t kill the immune system or cause fatigue and insomnia.  But still, I was afraid.

We got there, and the clinic was not a nice one.  When the nurse took me back to the room, there was a cockroach dead on the floor.  My hopes were quickly being shredded down even further.  But, the nurse was awesome.  She listened to me, asked questions, seemed genuinely interested, and wrote down everything I told her instead of making me tell her, not relaying it to the doctor, then making me repeat it all when the doctor comes in.  I was made very comfortable very quickly.

When the doctor came in, just a minute after the nurse left, he was intimidating at first.  He shook my hand, looked me in the eye, and said, “What are you needing from me today?”  I wasn’t sure how to answer that.  I began by telling him about my incompetent doctor, my diagnosis, my 12 year headache, my lack of treatment, my year of Nothing, my suffering, etc.  I unloaded on him.  And you know what?  He listened intently. Actively.  Courteously.  He then told me he would have to hurt me by putting pressure on places, so we did all that, which sucked, but then he pulled out this recorder and started saying everything I had told him into it.  He said each joint and muscle I had pain in and which I did not, which was impressive because it was really fast when he did it.  He would press on a spot and I had to answer yes or no regarding pain beeing present. But it was rapid; I didn’t have time to think.  I just had to feel.  After that, he took 7 vials of blood to test for everything, told me he wanted to set up a sleep study for me, and said he’d see me in 4 weeks.  Oh, yeah, and gave me Topomax for my constant headache.

It was by far the best medical care I have recieved that I can remember.  He was thorough, new what he was doing, had wonderful bedside manner, was quick, and made me feel important.  For a place with a dead cockroach on the damn floor, I was very surprised.  And I will continue to go to this place for my medical care because he was so good.  He told me that if nothing showed up in the blood or sleep study, he would formally diagnose the fibromyalgia, but if something did show up, I’d be getting a phone call.  I haven’t had a phone call yet, so I’m assuming there was Nothing in my blood, as usual.  Fibromyalgia sucks.  I’m too young for this shit.

Jobs and Pain

I quit my job yesterday.  It was causing my body to hurt so badly, that I decided I’d better get out before I run myself to the ground.  It was really sad, though.  I enjoyed my job, and I absolutely loved everyone I worked with.  We were all a tight-knit little group.  There were tears and hugs all around, and my boss told me I can come back any time I want to.  I told him this summer may be that time.  Right now, I want to focus on substitute teaching.  I get tons of offers each week, and turn them down so I don’t let my team down at the store.  I am almost done with the master program, and should be teaching in my own classroom by August; possibly January if things work out that way.  But if I have to wait until August, I’ll be back at the store for the summer months so we don’t go broke.

I woke up this morning feeling sad that I wasn’t going to work.  Because of what happened at the bar, I kept my distance from the people I worked with, but we still forged relationships anyway.  I learned a lot about teamwork there and the lessons I learned will always be used.  I’ve never worked somewhere that people help each other.  It’s always the opposite; cut-throat assholes, so it was a really nice change.

I’ll miss it, but now I am setting out on a scary as hell journey into the world of education.  I am terrified.  What if I hate it?  What if I suck at it?  What if the kids treat me like shit?  What if I screw up?  What if I tell a kid something wrong?  What if the parents come yelling?  So many things that could go wrong, and probably will go wrong.  I’ve been reading books and websites on how to handle all of these things, but reading and doing are two very different things.

I am certified to work an internship; I got my letter a few weeks ago, but I do not even know where to begin to find one.  I want to work at one specific school, and I hear their turnover rate is pretty high.  That should send alarm bells to me, but it doesn’t.  It gives me hope.  Hope that there will soon be an opening that I can have.  The sooner I get into a classroom, the sooner I’ll be fully certified, and we can move away.  That’s all we are waiting for.  Me.  And for my older son to graduate, but that’s only two years away, and by then I’ll be fully certified and ready to go get my PhD.

I wish I could say where we plan to go, but I can’t because my goal is to literally disappear from this town.  I don’t want anyone to know where I am or what I am doing, and I certainly don’t want anyone to try to find me.  After this last year, I am done.  I dream of the day we pack up the U-Haul and head out forever.  There are a lot of places we can go, but I have one in mind that we all agree on.  That place has a doctorate program, great schools, and is still enough in the vicinity that I don’t have to get completely re-certified all over again. They also pay teachers very well over there.  Between my boyfriend and me, we’ll almost be rich!  It’s nice to have some light at the end of the tunnel, you know?  We’ve suffered so much in the last decade that to know we WILL be okay is a freeing feeling.

And the medical system there is amazing.  I might be able to live a virtually pain-free life and be normal again.  I work harder than my body allows, and that is what held me back at the store.  They wanted me to manage, but I could only handle 3 days a week there, and sometimes only 2.  It just depended on how I felt that week.  The pain is getting better or I’m getting used to it, I’m honestly not sure which, but either way, I can keep my house clean, work, do school, hang out with the kids, and do some normal things.  I can’t run around anymore or do cardio like I used to, but I can still work out lightly.  I’ll have to now, being out of the store.  I am pure muscle.  30 lbs of muscle I put on since March….it’s crazy.  I’m super strong and bigger and I like it.  But I know if I don’t keep it up, I’ll get fat.  So today, I will start working out again, much to my despair.

Anyway, I will not diet, and it’s time for my fattening vanilla Dr. Pepper from Sonic because I cannot live without them!  I’ll keep updating on things.  I’m running 3 blogs right now, so I don’t have time to post all of them every day.  ((Hugs))

I lost another yesterday

I’m supposed to be writing a paper for school, but it’s almost finished and I needed to do this before I could fully concentrate.  I lost another dear friend yesterday, and it came as quite a shock, honestly.  He and I conversed a few days ago, and he was asking me strange questions so I think he knew he was about to leave.  At the time, I took it as depression, but I see it more clearly now.  Two days after talking to him, he landed himself in the hospital, and two days later, died.

He was a good man.  His past held things he wasn’t proud of, but we all suffer from that.  He helped my kids have a Christmas last year when I couldn’t afford to do so, and no matter what anyone ever said about me, he stayed true to me.  I remember the first day I met him.  I was at the bar working and sitting next to another friend I’ll be extremely lost without.  We were laughing and talking when Larry strolled in with his Dallas Cowboys helmet tucked under his arm.  He drank O’Douls as he had stopped drinking alcohol years earlier.  I pulled one out for him, but it had rusted.  I was new and didn’t notice and he handed it back to me and said, “This is gross; get me another.”  I was taken back for a second, and decided to play with him.  So I went to the back, grabbed a brand new one for him and made a show about wiping it and polishing it.  I told him I was out of Turtle Wax, so the towel would just have to do.  He looked at me like I was crazy, and after that day, he came in everyday I worked and called me if he couldn’t make it in.  He was a closed off person and intimidating in his mannerisms, so not many people were able to crack the surface.  I did, though.  One of the few special people he let in.  When everything happened at the bar, that man didn’t waver in his high opinion of me; not even in the slightest.

My heart is heavy today; we had no warning, nothing.  I knew he went to the hospital, but figured he’d be okay.  I have been waiting on his text to tell me what happened and that he was taking it easy for a week at home or something but that text will never come.

It’s funny how one person can make such a difference in another’s life yet be completely unknown to others.  When we have a friend that means a lot to us, we don’t think that they aren’t known by others because we expect everyone to know this wonderful person.

Larry, you were amazing; no matter what you thought of yourself.  You were one of my closest friends, and my life will be damaged without you in it.  I know it was your time, and that’s okay, but all I ask is that you come here every now and again, let yourself be known, and give this girl a hug.  I need those and I will really miss them.  Last time I saw you, you hugged me so tight and for so long; maybe you knew we would never cross paths again.  I’m glad I got that hug though.  I may not have been able to tell you bye or I love you one last time, but you know I did.  And I keep Ted’s memory alive still….I will also keep yours.  Your tattoo will be put on me tomorrow at noon so I can keep you close just like I do with Ted. You were both taken from me unexpectedly, and I didn’t even in my wildest imaginings think I’d have to write this letter to you so soon.  My heart is hurting, my chest feels like it’s caving in, but at the same time I’m glad you’re finally free from here.  I know you were ready, so that makes it a bit easier to swallow.  I love you, Larry.  Forever and ever.

I’m so sick of being sick!

It’s been a year and 3 weeks since I woke up sick.  This last 13 months has been absolute hell.  I’ve lost almost everyone, people act like I’m some fragile flower who will fall apart at the slightest of touch, and my yard looks like shit because I don’t have the energy to work on it!  Growl!!  Some people have even used my sickness as a weapon against me, saying it has made me crazy.  So many people lost.  It blows my mind.

I used to have a Wall of Reasons.  I went around one day at work when I first got sick and took pictures of all of my friends.  I printed them and put them up on the wall my schoolwork table faces, so that whenever I felt low, I could look up and see how big my support system was.  That wall now contains ribbons from my kid’s track meet and my tassel from graduation this last May.  One by one I had to remove pictures as people abandoned me, until my wall was pathetic and made me sadder to see it.  I have my family and that’s really it for now, which is perfect for me because through thick and thin, they are there for me.  No matter what.  They don’t think I’m crazy, nor would they ever turn on me like everyone else has.

I read a post this morning about isolation being a bad thing, but for me, I don’t think it is.  I deal with more drama, pain, depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues when I am around people than I do if I just throw myself into my books and cross stitching.  My therapist hasn’t really said anything about this yet, as we have only had one session, but she knows I’ve pulled away from everyone but my family.  Maybe it’s the best thing for me to do at this time, and then when I get my head straight, I can slowly integrate back into society.  Being sick physically doesn’t help either.  People don’t know how to handle it or what to say.  It amazes me that the times we need the most support are the times when we are the most pushed aside.

Blocking everyone? Don’t Mind if I Do!

So after a bunch of crap that was stupid happened a few weeks ago, I blocked and spammed people from my phone.  At first I was upset I had to do this, but then a wonderful thing happened….no drama.  At all.  It has been the best thing in the world.  I didn’t retaliate for the Poison People’s actions and what was left in its wake was me not having to deal with shit!  I’m okay with the fact that almost everyone I knew has turned from me over lies, and I’m okay with the fact that I have a job that is too hard for me, and I’m okay with the fact that I am still in pain all the damn time.  I know I will never be able to go back to how and who I was a year ago, and it’s okay.   It really is.  I am still depressed and unhappy, and yes I have my bad days where I Pity Party with the “Why me?” but all in all, I think I’m learning to handle things alright.

Noah

I watched the movie that released last year called “Noah” yesterday, and I am not big on Bible stories as I find them to be extremely screwed up, (talking about you, “The Passion of the Christ”) but this one was amazing!  It only had a 3 star rating on Netflix, which surprised me because of how wonderful it was.  And it had Hermione from Harry Potter in it, so that was just a really cool extra for this Harry Potter nerd.  Anyway, I highly recommend this movie, no matter what your religious preferences are, simply because it is amazingly told, and makes all the little questions one might have about this story actually make sense.  Like, how did Noah build a big enough ark to hold all these damn animals?  And how the hell did he get two of each animal on there, and also how did they not eat each other?  How did Noah and his family survive?  So many questions I’ve had since I was a little kid, answered in one really awesome movie.  Loved it.

Dear Eczema

Dear Eczema,

What the hell, dude?  I have used cream, lotions, let you dry out, stopped scratching you, soaked in epsom salt, used apple cider vinegar, cortizone cream, and neosporin, yet you refuse to go!  You’re disgusting and honestly, the back of my neck looks like a damn war zone on some weird fleshy alien planet.  You have got to go!  I hate having to wear barrettes to keep my short hairs off of you and your gross pus because they give me headaches.  You are also causing me to stress-scratch, and I’ve been under a lot of stress lately, so GO AWAY!  One month I have dealt with you itching into the other side of my neck; sometimes I’m quite sure I could scratch all the way through and you’d still freaking itch!  Come on!!  Just think about it…leave me alone.

Sincerely,

Tara

Fibromyalgia and other mental disorders

I went to the psychiatrist the other day, but I can’t post on here what I was diagnosed with because of things happening recently with people.  My email is cjohera@yahoo.com, so if you’d like to read about that, I’ll gladly give you my other blog site.  But my fibromyalgia is causing this other stuff, I believe.  My past friends seem to think I’m crazy or have a screw loose, but I don’t.  I got sick and was told it would be forever, then I had a pile of bad things happen which began to level out and I was doing okay, until the bad started to come back tenfold, it seemed.  I tried to block myself from it, but it was eating me up inside, so I sought help.  My boyfriend and I blocked, spammed, and deleted poison people from our phones and we refuse to talk to any of them unless absolutely necessary.  (I completely refuse, but sometimes he has to talk to one of them.)  Anyway, I digress.  This is all on my other blog.  What I’m curious about, is what other things have shown up since you guys were diagnosed, and did the fibromyalgia cause it?  It is listed as a cause on my particular disorder, but as I read up on it more and more, I see that I have had this for my whole life, and I’m pissed that the many counselors I’ve gone to over the years have failed to recognize it.  It’s textbook!

I feel like the world is against me right now, and the Universe really hates me, but I can’t figure out why.  The Poison People tell me it’s my fault, but I truly did nothing wrong in this instance.   They just changed on me within a couple of hours, which in my opinion is very weird.  The whole thing is just weird.  My thoughts are scattered today (getting used to new meds will do that) but I was just curious about the rest of you.  And you can email me if you don’t want to talk about this through here, of course.  We post some personal things, but some things are just more personal than others.

It’s Over!!

After they held the I Hate Tara meeting at the Bar,  I got sent one last nasty text from Leisa, and my boyfriend quit after that.  It was a terrible text and he decided he couldn’t work somewhere that was going to act this way towards me and cause this much grief.   Anyway, the depression is still rampant, but Thursday is my appointment with the psychiatrist, so I’m looking forward to it.  It’s going to help me so much.  And Ally…thank you for reading these and commenting.  You have been awesome, and you are an amazing person.  (Never forget that.)